My new website landing page is now LIVE
I have started this blog because I am writing a book and of course, I want people to know about it. I see the whole thing as a journey and it’s very much therapy for me too. This is where I’ll share updates, run polls and competitions (decent ones, promise), and exclusives! Most importantly, I hope to be able to reach out to others affected by the subject matter. Specifically those that have come to realise this later in life as I have. I’m 40 (but going on 12 most of the time).
I am writing a book about me. Not in some grotesque narcissistic “oh look at me” fashion, but in a poetic one. I enjoy the state of catharsis that writing poetry puts me in. It calms my mind. My mind is a ridiculously noisy and busy place. ALL THE TIME. I have anxiety disorder. I do not want or expect there to be any reaction to that other than “oh ok” because it is…OK.
It of course means that at times I go batshit crazy for seemingly unimportant reasons over apparently insignificant things that most “normal” folk wouldn’t think twice about – like having to speak on the phone, like having to navigate a town center or shopping, like meeting people, like whether everything is just so all the time – because any of those situations and a fair few others can send me into emotional and then physical meltdown at any time. Anxiety is not just feeling a bit scared of something or worrying about something….It’s a systematic failure of appropriate emotional reaction to everyday stresses. In a nutshell. Our brains and subsequently our bodies become overwhelmed with the flight or fight reaction….Allow me to demonstrate through the medium of gifs….
*A Decision* hello
*Anxiety Disorder* …
*A Decision* I’m still here….
*A Decision* …..
You get the idea….
It’s ridiculous to be honest. And yes, I’m well aware I may get some flack for that. But seriously, you do not want to get me started on the subject of “a medical diagnosis” … But I digress.
The subject matter of my book:
I’m a survivor. Of childhood sexual and emotional abuse…But I’m not really a survivor. I have anxiety disorder. I’m still a victim. I’m still affected by the things that I have not been responsible enough to properly face. I’m still running. I’m still hiding. I’m still faking. I’m still running off an old and corrupted operating system.
“Survivors” Are Vista.
We break easily. And if we’re honest we get just as exasperated with it as everyone else does.
My story is about my life as I remember it, from those earliest of moments to times of change, to dark places, to happy places, and finally to where I sit now, strangely, frantically typing this blog on my keypad.
It is not all words and scenarios and dialogue….Very little of that to be honest. It’s a book of verses interspersed with brief wanders down memory lane and the realisations that spring from them. It’s personal but might apply to others?
I am getting better every day for doing this and I am massively grateful for every single soul that cares enough to pay it a moment of their time. I have made some amazing connections with some amazing people lately. People who have been there. Seen it. And are still here….Because that’s what matters now…We’re still here. I’m still here. So thank you all.