Welcome to my blog

My new website landing page is now LIVE

My website
I have started this blog because I am writing a book and of course, I want people to know about it. I see the whole thing as a journey and it’s very much therapy for me too.  This is where I’ll share updates, run polls and competitions (decent ones,  promise), and exclusives! Most importantly, I hope to be able to reach out to others affected by the subject matter. Specifically those that have come to realise this later in life as I have. I’m 40 (but going on 12 most of the time).
I am writing a book about me. Not in some grotesque narcissistic “oh look at me” fashion, but in a poetic one. I enjoy the state of catharsis that writing poetry puts me in. It calms my mind. My mind is a ridiculously noisy and busy place.  ALL THE TIME. I have anxiety disorder.  I do not want or expect there to be any reaction to that other than “oh ok” because it is…OK.

It of course means that at times I go batshit crazy for seemingly unimportant reasons over apparently insignificant things that most “normal” folk wouldn’t think twice about – like having to speak on the phone, like having to navigate a town center or shopping, like meeting people, like whether everything is just so all the time – because any of those situations and a fair few others can send me into emotional and then physical meltdown at any time. Anxiety is not just feeling a bit scared of something or worrying about something….It’s a systematic failure of appropriate emotional reaction to everyday stresses. In a nutshell. Our brains and subsequently our bodies become overwhelmed with the flight or fight reaction….Allow me to demonstrate through the medium of gifs….

*A Decision* hello

*Anxiety Disorder* …

*A Decision* I’m still here….

*Anxiety Disorder*

*A Decision* …..

*Anxiety Disorder* 

*A Decision*

*Anxiety Disorder*

You get the idea….

It’s ridiculous to be honest. And yes, I’m well aware I may get some flack for that.  But seriously, you do not want to get me started on the subject of “a medical diagnosis” … But I digress.

The subject matter of my book:

I’m a survivor. Of childhood sexual and emotional abuse…But I’m not really a survivor. I have anxiety disorder. I’m still a victim. I’m still affected by the things that I have not been responsible enough to properly face. I’m still running. I’m still hiding. I’m still faking. I’m still running off an old and corrupted operating system. 

“Survivors” Are Vista. 

We break easily. And if we’re honest we get just as exasperated with it as everyone else does.

My story is about my life as I remember it, from those earliest of moments to times  of change, to dark places, to happy places, and finally to where I sit now, strangely, frantically typing this blog on my keypad. 

It is not all words and scenarios and dialogue….Very little of that to be honest.  It’s a book of  verses interspersed with brief wanders down memory lane and the realisations that spring from them. It’s personal but might apply to others?

I am getting better every day for doing this and I am massively grateful for every single soul that cares enough to pay it a moment of their time. I have made some amazing connections with some amazing people lately. People who have been there. Seen it. And are still here….Because that’s what matters now…We’re still here. I’m still here. So thank you all. 

Permission

I have something to figure out. There is something I need to give my permission to within myself. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s at the core of ALL my issues. 

I don’t much like myself if I’m honest.  I’ve been destructive. False. Deceptive. Dishonest. And mostly to myself all my life. It of course bleeds through to the rest of my life. Everyone I come into close contact with is affected. My self loathing.  My false behaviours. My anger. My cover up stories. I never mean to hurt others.  I’m trying to protect them from me. But even that is an excuse. 

So what is it I’m not giving permission to ?

By permission I mean, what part of me, what aspect of my being am I NOT allowing to BE?

I know it’s linked to my sense of worth.  My sense of being good enough…Of not being good enough. D’oh….That’s it. 
I need to rewire myself to KNOW i am enough. 

Not even just good enough. But just, enough. 
You’ll always be not enough for some people. That’s their problem not yours. Those are their expectations and it’s not your responsibility to meet the expectations of others all the time.

Other people’s happiness, is not your responsibility. It’s not mine either. 
For those whom you are enough you will never need to change or hide who you are to any degree. Those who need to change your really need to change themselves but are too afraid to do so. It’s called projection or some shit..

Anyway….Yes. I hereby give myself permission to be enough. 

If I’m not enough, let me remember that I still AM,  but not for everyone. And that’s fine.  As long as I am enough for ME. I must be content with myself.  
That’ll do for today me thinks. 😊

Sometimes…

Sometimes are easier to write than others.

Sometimes the words  just flow and ease themselves onto the page.  And sometimes they are stubborn and refuse to even materialise in my mind.

Sometimes the inspiration to write something comes out of the blue. I may not even have been thinking about whatever I end up writing about in the first place. But the universe knows best.  I take my lead from my gut.

Sometimes I write from the heart. Sometimes I write from the head. Sometimes I write from a completely different perspective.  

Sometimes I understand it. Sometimes I don’t.  I don’t believe it’s my place to undrstand it anymore. So I just go with it. I don’t believe in writers block.  Although I’m sure many writers will disagree.  I think it’s just that sometimes,  writers get so focused on the goal of completion that they never open themselves properly to the start. If the tale is in you then the words will always flow. If it’s not really in you then you’ll have to find the words. Like when you redirect a river to run a mill. The water will still flow – eventually – but not on its natural course. 


Keep it flowing 💚

The Universe intervenes…

The Universe,  I am convinced,  is an actual thinking, feeling, processing entity of some sort. Crazy huh?

Thing is, it intervenes with everyday life ALL the time.  Whether you recognise it or not. 

If what you are doing or thinking is somehow out of balance with what you should be doing or thinking,  you can guarantee the universe will scupper your plans in some inventive way. 
For instance, I have a huge personal issue with how much quality time I get to spend with my partner. He works a lot and I’m tied at home with our son. I believe putting  aside “us” time is vital. But the universe doesn’t always agree.

Writing this book has opened my eyes even further to the divine workings of the universe.  No, I don’t believe in God.  I do not equate the universe to God. It’s something much cooler. But just as unknowable (if it so chooses).

I guess what I am trying to say us this: listen to something other than your own desires sometimes. You don’t know best. And if you don’t play nice the universe takes your toys away and puts you in the metaphorical corner for time out.

You may scoff…But take a look. You’ll see it. And when you do you’ll realise you’ve been playing by the wrong rules all along… The universe can both provide and taketh away. Learn it’s language. It’s worth it. 

PS: The earth is not flat. Just saying  😉

 

Actually….

The more I think about it the more I realise how much I am selling my soul just by adhering to the “accepted norm” when it comes to self publishing.  Yes, it may be good to prostitute yourselves out to gain email subscribers therefore securing better chances of good financial gain when you actually do publish. Which is also, good. 

But is it right?

I can’t honestly profess to be comfortable with doing it if I’m honest.  So let’s do this instead….I’ll stick up a newsletter here. All details of polls and competitions will be open to ALL!

Enough of this divisive elitist behaviour from me just to look the bloody part. At the end of the day, if people buy and read my book it will be because they want to. Not because I have sweet talked and bribed them into joining a “special members only club”. It offends my morals.

If you want to enter the upcoming competition or would like to contact me you can do so here on my FACEBOOK profile

CLICK ME TO GO THERE 😀😀

So Yeh, that’s how I’m going to be now. Honest to myself. If I only sell one book (the one I buy) at least my integrity is intact. And that’s more important than people realise these days.  

Most everyone has facebook these days so I’m hoping people will be more comfortable connecting that way.  👍👍👍👌✌

Apparently….

So here I am, chilled out and just enjoying some sunshine for the first time this year, when I suddenly remember…Email list. Email campaign!

It is the done thing for a self publisher to create one.

Thing is, people need to be convinced to do such a thing. Let’s face it, people like a free lunch. I get that. So do I. People are also very rightly concerned about their privacy and  security online.  Giving away your email is actually a huge show of trust that is taken for granted every day by countless agencies and corporations who buy your details to clog up your inbox with stuff you don’t need. 

I don’t plan on doing that. I genuinely want folk to get involved and contribute and reward for doing so. 

So how about this….A competition.  

I need 3 quotations to go in my book. Now, yes, I could very easily choose them myself, but I’d like to see what hold particular significance for others affected by childhood abuse, along with a brief encapsulating sentence as to WHY it is so significant.

The top 3 will be included and fully credited in the final book!

1st prize will receive a £10 Amazon gift card too!

The competition will be open to all subscribed to my newsletter and will start on Monday 17th April and will run for 2 weeks. 

Winners will be notified by email. The gift card will also be sent via email. So go on….SUBSCRIBE and win!!

Keep going!

It’s easy being a writer. So easy in fact that anyone who can write or talk or in some fashion get a story across, can do it. And every writer will agree. The book…It’s core, is already written. First in your imagination then on paper (or your computer these days…But I’m a purist, I love to commit at least some musings to paper). 

The hard work happens way before the holy grail that is launch day. 

I am self publishing for this first time. And very quickly I am starting to see just how much work is involved.  I’m doing my own PR, marketing,  social media, website, blog, research,  advertising,  as well as wanting to actually produce something worth all the expectation at the end of day…The book!

I’m secretly quite enjoying it. It’s a lot to take on board and I’m sure I’ll get a few things not quite right along the way. But I’m determined to do this.  

My whole life I have been disbelieved about some important things that held deep significance to me. Because of that,  I tend not to have very much faith in myself. I see failure first. I prepare for failure. I expect failure. So at the first hint of something not going quite right I tend to fold and then…

But I’m not going to this time. I do have something to prove.  If not to others then certainly to myself. You know, because I’m worth it!

The one thing I can be sure of right now is this…Support and encouragement is essential.  Every time someone reads my words,  comments, likes, or just connects I’m driven on more and more to believe in myself and in what I’m doing.  So thank you to everyone who has done one or more of the above. It means more than I can put in words. I am humbled and determined not to let you down ! !

Nature as Inspiration

Nature is the ultimate inspiror. Just about everything we apex beings have created is based off a tried and tested natural design. 

Nature is epic. Which is why I go stir crazy if I don’t get out in it at least once a day. regardless of weather. I walk like a thing possessed, clocking up about 6 miles a day. I’m fortunate enough to live in the Oxfordshire countryside by the main Oxford Canal where secretly it’s my dream of living on a narrow boat and lazily drifting from mooring to mooring. But in reality my 6ft slightly claustrophobic partner would go bonkers living in a floating tube, so that fancy stays a dream. Instead I connect with nature the best I can and feel filled with gratitude that I get to live somewhere so green, so lush and so peaceful. 

This is my garden. I’m loathed to cut the grass. it’s so lush and full of bright yellow dandelions with their sunny faces. There are even some bluebells. It’s like a meadow, in truth. 

The manicured lawn look is so 90’s. Let your grass grow for a while.  Marvel at what springs up, you might be surprised.  

Anyway. Back to the grind 🙂